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Are you the bully?

Have you ever considered that as an adult you are allowing others to bully you, which when you think about it kind of makes you responsible too. I emphasize adults here because children and their nuances are a completely different can of worms. As a child who was bullied frequently through primary school and high school, I appreciate that it is a complex scenario. Here's the thing with adults though, we're adults.

We've been through the B-S of high school drama, and survived! Yay us. So why is it that I still encounter it time and time again in many different elements of my life and hearing about it from friends, colleagues also.

Don't get me wrong I find that most of the bullying isn't necessarily malicious or vindictive, rather a battle of communication and personality types. It's said we attract the energy we put out there, so why is it that people who are inherently wonderful are still having to put up with this crap?!

More importantly Lucy what do you mean am I responsible for being bullied, aren't I the victim? There's that word 'victim' it carries so much weight, as it should. But for this blog I want to simplify things, a lot. Let's take the notion of victim out of the equation all together *poof* there, it's gone. Now consider this, do you allow people to communicate with you in a certain way? Are you Enabling them to have that power over you? Perhaps you were trying to be nice, helpful even and now you find that somehow you set the precedent for the long term relationship, albeit one sided and making you miserable! Did you ever consider that this is NOT "just how it is" or "who that person is" for that matter.

Perhaps you just need to say NO. "No, no, no, no, no" [I dare you to say that last sentence out loud and see how it sounds because I bet you have even forgotten what that word is!]. It's ok to be kind [I encourage it], it's ok to be helpful and to easy going - it is not ok to allow others to take advantage and to push you around. EVER. Something to practice [as a YES! gal I have to have reminders too] "Let me think about that and get back to you". If you check in with your heart/instinct/head/bank acct and it doesn't feel right, guess what? DON'T DO IT. You don't need to explain yourself. You are a grown ass adult - that's one of the perks! Of course you don't have to be a dink about it either, lol. Your time is valuable, you are valuable. That doesn't mean people don't recognize that or respect it, just that sometimes we get caught up in our own events/lives and let that project out onto the world. We're human. If you find that you're on the receiving end of that meteor shower of frustration, feeling that someone isn't hearing you [listening and hearing are VERY different by the way]. Simply take a step back and consider these 5 points:

1. What are their intentions? are they being mindful of you or how it might affect you/your business/life

2. Where is their energy/words/action coming from? [are they projecting onto you]

3. How does this make me feel?

Are they making you defensive/frustrated/angry/sad < not ok

4. How am I going to change this?

You can always change things. It just takes time.

5. It is ok to reset my boundaries.

4 and 5 are the most important elements here. Re-set and change. It is possible to change habits it just takes practice! [Literally Commit for a MINIMUM of 30 days. Some people say it takes 20 days, while others claim it takes up to 60. The truth is that the length of time really varies from person to person and habit to habit. 30 is a solid start]. Be mindful of how you word things, are you the boss asking that employee for permission always? "Can you do this for me?/Is it possible to change this?" - nope, it's not rude but it is fair to say "This needs to be done please". Reclaiming your power as the boss is awesome, because you are! That employee will get it or they won't, either way you just made progress. Are you always explaining yourself to that person/vendor you collaborate with? You know what, how you run your business is really none of theirs. Either it works for you or it doesn't, either it's possible or it isn't - you don't tell them how to run their business, it certainly isn't up to them to try and run yours! [this also pertains to life]. We are unique individuals that's what makes us so damned cool! Tell a friend you're struggling too, make them make you accountable for your new found communication skills, and of course to be there and have your back too.

We got this and I got you!